A Journey to Breastfeeding: One Woman’s Spiraling Tale

Posted on: August 7, 2015 | Breastfeeding, Doula

In honor of World Breastfeeding Week, I thought I would post about my personal journey.  See I wasn’t breastfed, neither were my siblings, my cousins, or anyone else that I had seen personally.

I became a mom at 19 and was the first of my friends to have a kid.  As a matter of fact, it would be many years before those I was closest to would be starting families of their own.  The only breastfeeding knowledge I had was gained from the Friends episode with the guys freaking out about Carol breastfeeding, Gilmore Girls where Luke had a fit about a woman nursing in his diner, and various other shows where breastfeeding was used as the butt of jokes and a source of making others uncomfortable.

In 2002, when I delivered my oldest, a nurse asked me if I was going to breastfeed or use formula.  I told her I wasn’t sure.  She said, well your milk isn’t in yet so in the meantime use these bottles of formula we provide.  I had no idea it is completely normal for your milk not to come in for a few days and in those first few days the colostrum you provide your baby is not only enough for them, it is also packed full of amazing things, like immunities and antibodies, that your baby could truly benefit from.  No wonder it is referred to as “liquid gold”, well that and the slight yellowish tint.

My first day home was rough.  That perfect little angel had kept us up all night his first night home and as Murphy’s Law would go, our water heater chose that as the perfect time to stop working as well.  My mom and 11 year old brother came to see the baby.  I went in my room to hide and try this whole pumping thing.  I had gotten a manual pump at my shower.  I knew nothing about flange sizes or any other tricks to pumping.  I didn’t know it is not recommended to start pumping that early, that I should be rested and comfortable, that it would help to see baby while I pump and the list goes on.  I tried just sticking it on my nipple and started pumping.  It hurt, it was uncomfortable, and nothing happened.  To be fair, I was overly exhausted and didn’t try very long or hard before giving up.  I figured I had formula and it is just as good so no big deal.

In 2005, when I delivered my daughter I had decided to give the whole breastfeeding thing another try.  I found out my work had a pumping room for when I returned, but I also had formula available “just in case”.  Much to my surprise, she latched right on and chowed down.  She was a terrific little nursling.  She made it very easy on me.  My pitfall came when I went back to work.  I had no idea I was protected by laws and thought it was just a nice gesture that they offered a pumping room.  I was “blessed” with a manager who started questioning how long it took me to pump and threatened to start writing me up for taking to many off the clock breaks.  I guess you are only allowed to take multiple breaks that like if you are smoking, not providing your baby nourishment.  Never mind the fact I was processing medical claims, so my breaks didn’t really affect anyone but myself having to work later to make up the time.  Eventually, the stress of thinking I would get in trouble and the time constraints I was put under took their toll.  My darling daughter finished out my frozen stash at the sitters around 4 months and had already started on formula at home.

I wasn’t upset, I was so proud of the time we did have.

In 2011, when I delivered my next child, I expected nursing to go just as smoothly as it had gone the last time.  It did not.  I had asked for the hospital’s lactation consultant and instead just had multiple nurses come in with different opinions on why I was struggling.  I had one of these nurses manhandling my breasts as she was trying to get my son to stay latched on.  He wasn’t getting a deep enough latch or keeping the nipple in his mouth.  Once he started sucking, he would pop off coughing and sputtering.  She decided I must need a nipple shield.  I hate the nipple shield.  It made nursing more difficult as I had to juggle a fussy newborn with also trying to hold this plastic thing on my nipple and stick it in my son’s mouth.  It would fill up with milk on its own and all he would need to do was bite down on it to get the milk in his mouth.  He became a very lazy drinker.  He only would use bottles that he could also bite down on. (Side note: he still bites straws, sippy cups, etc)

My son would scream when he would see my breast coming at him and I felt rejected. 

I also felt the need to prove I was super mommy for some reason.  I was back to running my kids to their activities, dance lessons, and everything else before my son was even a week.  This time I made it 5 weeks before I gave into those tempting cans of formula in the cabinets.  It was 5 weeks of me crying WITH my baby.  I had no idea there were early hunger signs to watch for…fidgeting, putting hands to mouth, rooting, opening mouth, and more.  Crying is a late hunger sign, if you wait to nurse until the baby is crying usually they are too frustrated and then so are you.  I didn’t take into account, that even though nursing is natural, you still need to learn how to do it.  My son wasn’t born knowing how to nurse and I did not give him the time to learn.

It was after I gave up nursing my son that I found a group of woman that changed my whole life.  They introduced me to the “crunchy” world.  They introduced me to natural birth, breastfeeding support, coconut oil, menstrual cups, baby wearing, cloth diapers, and so much more.  The most important thing I found was La Leche League.  I found out that besides the fact I was waiting too long to nurse my son each feeding and that I definitely started doing too much too soon, I also had 2 things that made breastfeeding more difficult.  I had oversupply and forceful letdown.  While these things can make nursing more difficult, there are ways to help correct and work with them and still be successful at breastfeeding.

3 months after the last time I nursed my son, I tried to “re-lactate” and try nursing again.  I was warned it would be a difficult journey and would take a strong dedication.  I did try, but when he started screaming at the sight of my breasts, my feelings of rejection resurfaced and I had given up again.

In 2013, I delivered my daughter in my living room.  I was determined I was going to breastfeed as I was going to be successful.  Successful is a subjective term.  I don’t consider my previous attempts failures, but I had it in my head and heart, no matter what, I would make it to 1 year at least.  I was prepared with as much information as I could find.  I made the choice to not have any formula or bottles in the house to tempt me in the wee hours of the night when I am exhausted.  I attended La Leche meetings while I was pregnant, one of the leaders was also my Bradley Method teacher, and I had joined the local Facebook breastfeeding page.  I read over the issues people were asking and the answers and solutions.  I rejoiced in their milestone announcements.  I adored their beautiful and silly pictures of their nurslings they shared.

I was lucky enough this time that I was now a stay at home mom and did not have to worry about pumping.  I am glad for that because we have had many other challenges to overcome.  I still had oversupply and forceful letdown.  I was prepared; I had learned for my oversupply it helped to “block feed” my child instead of trying to get her to nurse on each breast at each feeding.  For my letdown issue, simply letting it spray into a burp cloth until it settled down enough, I could get baby latched back on.  I was ready to watch for the signs of thrush, mastitis, milk blebs, clogged ducts and so much more.

It was the hidden obstacles I hadn’t prepared myself for.

I found the pediatrician I had been using for over 11 years was not as supportive as I used to believe he was.  He questioned me on the fact my daughter was a slow gainer.  Keep in mind she was not losing weight, just not gaining as fast as he saw fit.  He recommended waking her every 2 hours to nurse, supplement, and even starting cereals at 4 months.  He made me question myself and that I was doing what was best for my daughter.  I ignored my instincts and the fact I could see my daughter more than meeting her milestones and felt like a failure.  I left the appointment crying, I went to a LLL meeting that night and cried to a leader.  She gently reminded me all babies grow and gain differently and I was doing great.

I found my extended family to be less than supportive.  Comments along the lines of “Don’t get your tits out here”, “How long are you going to keep doing that?”, “How many times do you have to do that?”, “People don’t want to see that, you should go away while doing that”.  You would think I was filming a porn in public with these and many of the other things I heard.  I was never made to feel bad when I formula fed my babies, but when I nursed the only support I received in the way of family was my spouse and older children.

I fought through biting issues with teething, so much criticism I can’t even begin to shine a light on, and so much more, but…

WE DID IT!!!!

We not only made it to our one year goal, we recently hit 2.5 years.  She only nurses about 1-2 times a day, when she gets hurt, scared, upset, most nights to sleep, and if she happens to see me getting dressed.  She loves her “mookies” and she has had no developmental problems.  I found a supportive doctor, I grew a tough skin to handle the critics, and I surrounded myself with support.

World Breastfeeding Week is not about making those who could not, choose not, will not, cannot breastfeed feel bad or guilty.  It is about the many women who deal with the many struggles of breastfeeding for as little or as long as they can in order to try to give their child the best.  That is not a statement saying that formula feeding moms do not try to give their children the best.  It is a statement that means that breastmilk is the best, formula is a substitute.  I am glad it is available as there are many babies who need it, but formula will never be as good as breastmilk.  Formula can’t know when your baby is sick and provide antibodies to help them fight illness.  Formula can’t change its content to provide a melatonin effect at night.  Formula can’t evolve as baby grows and provide them exactly what they need at the different stages of life.

Breastfeeding moms are not better than formula feeding moms, breastmilk is better than formula.

This week is about helping to normalize these facts.  You may feel it is common knowledge and this information is constantly being shoved in your face, but you may be surprised at how many moms aren’t familiar with breastfeeding.  As a doula I support whatever way my clients choose to feed their newborns.  I will assist in tips and tricks for both ways that I have learned along my journey.  I can tell you though, I have had a much rougher path nursing than I did when I used formula and I am grateful for a week that celebrates making it through those struggles and I hope that I can help #normalizebreastfeeding so that when my children are having children they can breastfeed without fear.