The Struggle Is Real

Posted on: January 13, 2016 | Postpartum

I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. 

I don’t know why I think the way I think.

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember.  It likely has a lot to do with my weight struggles, both contributing to the other in some degree.  In high school, it came to a peak.  I tried multiple times to end my life.

The closest I ever got was when I tried pills.

I had drifted off to what I thought was going to be my last sleep ever.  Instead, hours later, I awoke with the absolute worst headache one can imagine.  I get migraines and this was worse than those.  I had fantasized about peacefully going in my sleep and this was not the way I had imagined.  I panicked and woke up my mom.  She called 9-1-1, but ultimately it was decided they could get me to the hospital quicker on their own.  I was given charcoal to drink and induce vomiting.

I was pulled out of school for intensive outpatient therapy and started seeing a therapist regularly.  I started to think about my faith and why I was spared despite my best efforts.
I decided that God must have a plan for me and for the rest of my high school career I was nothing but smiles.  Most people didn’t even know what I had been through and would never believe you if you told them.  I was often described as perky.

The hurt wasn’t gone.  The pain that brought me to that place still lurked in the shadows, but I made sure no one saw it.

Shortly out of high school I met my husband and started a family.  I love him and my kids with all of my heart.  I always wanted to be a mom.  Always.

Even though I had everything I ever wanted, the darkness still loomed.

I have tried to get much better at self-care in the hopes of keeping the thoughts and feelings at bay.  I spent over a decade putting everyone ahead of myself.  I still do everything for my family, but I have also tried to make myself a priority.

However, those days still come.  Those days where I don’t want to leave my room or even get out of bed.  Those days where I think about harming myself and how much easier it would be if it was all just done.  Those days where I feel like I am living in a lonely fog all by myself.  I still hear those voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.  The voices that say I am incompetent and why even bother.

I don’t.  I don’t allow those thoughts and feelings to control me.  I may have those days, those days I go into auto pilot and make sure the kids have food and love and then retreat back to my room.  I may have those days, but I don’t succumb to the darkest thoughts.

I used to think I had nothing to live for.  During my therapy I thought I was saved for a reason.  I know my reason now and while dark clouds try to make me forget, I never will.  My kids are why I am still here.  My kids save me each and every day.  I may never be fully recovered, but I know I have something to live for, something to fight the darkness for.

My kids are my light in the fog, they saved me.

The struggle is real and will always be here, but I will always keep fighting.

If you have suicidal thoughts, please seek help.  You are worth it!  You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 1-800-273-8255.  Depression and suicide are not something to be taken lightly and even if you don’t believe it, you will be missed.  You do have people who love you and hurting yourself will hurt them.  Please get help, calling won’t hurt.